Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
