I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
