We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
