Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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