Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
