Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
