you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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