First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
