Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Randomize
