Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
this is an emotional support booty call
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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