they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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