I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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