i just wanna soil my oats bro
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
