I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
