I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
