if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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