They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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