i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Floor bacon is actually really good
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
