I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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