you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
