so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
