I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
