Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
