I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
