trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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