I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
