I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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