She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
