If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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