My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
