just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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