She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
