i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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