You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
