I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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