Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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