I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
