I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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