I wish I could teleport
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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