I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
