nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
we're making bets on your personal life
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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