either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
