Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
