I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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