you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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