the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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