My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
