And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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