Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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