Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
